Somewhere along the way, I lost myself. 

I’m not even sure which road I was on at the time. I’m not sure of the day or the month.  But one day, I looked up, and I was gone.  

I was replaced by someone who looked an awful lot like me.  She sounded a lot like me.  She wore the same clothes and even had the same hairstyle as me, but she wasn’t really me.  The sparkle in her eyes was gone. Her zest for life was gone. And though she was a very good actress, I knew myself better than anyone else,  and I could tell, she wasn’t me. 

They say that if you drop a frog into boiling water, it will immediately jump out. But, if you gently place it in a pot filled with pleasantly tepid water and slowly heat it, the frog will remain in the water until it boils to death. I think this is sort of what happened to me. 

I couldn’t even remember the last time I saw myself before I woke up to find that I was missing. I think I was getting just enough glimpses of myself to THINK I was still me! But then there were times when I know I would normally have responded with more confidence and yet I was biting my tongue nearly in two to keep the peace. Times when I would watch my responses and think, “WHO IS THIS PERSON?” 

The craziest part was that I didn’t even miss me! I did not even realize I was gone! It happened so gradually.  One deployment, one baby, one postpartum depression, one cold shoulder, one eggshell to walk on, one argument, one missed invitation, one sleepless night, one “other” cheek turned- at a time. Though no physical injuries were made at all, the emotional scars I have acquired over the last few years are such that I’m not sure they will ever really fade.  The most bizarre part was that somehow through all of it, I became numb.  The funny thing about numbness is that while you don’t feel the pain quite so acutely, you also don’t feel pleasure. That was what this imposter, pretending to be me, felt- nothing. 

Even though on the surface, things looked great- nice house, nice enough clothes, beautiful children, no one going to bed hungry. I have so many of the things I had always prayed for. Yet, it was a strange feeling when I woke up to realize that my reality had had a head on collision with my lifelong expectation. The fairy tale that I had designed in my imagination was a complete farce.  The glass slipper most definitely did NOT fit. When did I go from being Cinderella to one of the mere props in the story? When did it go from a fairy tale to just a really bad dream? 

But God.

God knew where I was. In fact, God was there beside me through it all- through the ignorance, through the complete exhaustion that accompanied new motherhood and deployment, through betrayals, through the loneliest of lonely times, through the grief and shame, and through every single failure, HE WAS THERE! Never once did He leave me. He was with me, the REAL me, all along. 

It was God who helped me to see the smiling faces of my girls.  It was God who showed me the beautiful sunrise. It was God who had friends to call me on just the right day with just the right words to say. It was God who warmed my heart and spoke words of love to me and reminded me that I am HIS and that He loves me more than I can even comprehend.  It was God who slowly but surely reminded me of who I am and who He designed me to be.  

Believe it or not, God used a direct sales company to introduce me to some of the most amazing, Godly friends I have ever had.  He used that same company to teach me things about myself that I didn’t know and to remind me of things I had long ago forgotten.  God used Norwex to show me not only that I can still dream, but that dreams are a good thing. He showed me that I can support my family financially while also being the one who takes and picks up my children from school each day. God showed me that I can be a good mom, a good wife, and a good business woman. God used my business to build me (back) up and remind me of who I am. 

God has used many tools to mold me into who He wants for me to be.  In fact, He has used the things that I once thought would be “the thing” that would make me happy and complete (ie marriage and motherhood) and shown me that it’s not about making me happy… it’s about making me better. That means that somedays, God uses sandpaper. Somedays it’s heat.  Somedays it’s an unkind word. Somedays it’s learning forgiveness even when that person didn’t ask for it. Somedays it’s a mirror to show me the plank in my own eye. And then somedays, He creates the most beautiful scenery for me to walk through with some of my biggest blessings. Time and time again, He has reminded me that the smallest stars shine brightest during the darkest nights. 

 I’m a work in progress. I’m a total mess more days than not. I yell more than I should. I battle with bitterness more than I like to admit, but I know God is not done with me yet.  God won’t let me go through anything for nothing.  I lost myself for a while. I was genuinely terrified that I might never return. But God! God was with me the whole time. 

Phil Anderson is quoted as saying, “It’s a wild and wonderful thing to bump into someone and realize it’s you.” I guess you could say that I finally bumped into me recently. Apparently, I was right there all along and I was not alone!