One Sunday morning, we were getting ready to start our worship service. Carly had gone to the restroom and while she was gone, Bella Kate had used Carly’s paper (but had used her own pens) to draw a picture on the back. When Carly returned, she asked to use the pens to finish the picture that Bella Kate had started.

While trying to sing, I notice a disagreement taking place. When the frustrated looks kept going, I asked what was happening. Carly said she wanted to borrow Bella Kate’s pens. I looked at Bella Kate who said, “I don’t want her to use them because I don’t want her to use up all of my ink.” Meanwhile, Bella Kate was trying to give Carly her highlighter markers to use because she said they “do the same thing.” Carly wanted nothing to do with the highlighters.

After the song, I grabbed the colored pens from my Bible cover that both girls use every Sunday to color in their Bibles and handed them to Carly. It wasn’t long before Bella Kate wanted to use them. When Carly didn’t want to share, Bella Kate looked to me to make Carly share. (Personally, I didn’t blame Carly for not wanting to share, but told her to share just the same.)

As the service went on, the sharing seemed to get a little better until Bella Kate started using the brown. (Yes, brown… of all colors!) Carly was holding ALL of the pens in her hand except the brown and I could see the frustration rising. That’s when I noticed that they were writing notes back and forth. The note said, “Can I borrow the brown marker?” The reply was, “I don’t have a marker, I have a pen and there’s not another one.”

So Carly was sitting there with every single pen EXCEPT the brown and yet that was the one she wanted. Meanwhile, Bella Kate was coloring everything possible with the brown knowing that Carly wanted it. Then, to put her in her place and add a little insult to injury, she used a technicality to frustrate her further by correcting her use of the word ‘marker’.

By this point, I am beyond frustrated and simply amused at the entire situation. ALL of the pens were bought by me. It was me who had supplied Bella Kate with the initial pens that were being discussed. I was the one who supplied the pens they were using and the Bible’s they were coloring in. On top of that, if the ink does run out, I will be the one who supplies them again. WHY are they fighting over these silly pens??

Then I wondered how God feels about me sometimes.  

It was God who supplied our home. It was God who supplied the cars we drive, the food we eat, the family we have. It was God who has supplied every blessing we have and yet, sometimes I hold on to those blessings with a fist clenched so tightly that my knuckles turn white. It’s like I worry about my “ink being used up.”

What is it within us that drives scarcity? Is it a lack of faith that God will take care of us? If we know that God is the one who supplies all of our needs… if we know that all of the things we have right now are because of His goodness… if we know that God is a good and generous God… why then, is sharing so hard?

As my thoughts began to shift from the pens to my own life, I was hit with the realization that God must get pretty frustrated with me sometimes too. He has been so so good to me and yet, I often find myself afraid to share those blessings with those around me because something inside of me is terrified that I will run out. 

This is not a something I am proud of or that I have the answer for, but one that I am working on. Maybe the apples didn’t fall from the tree. Maybe my girls are simply mimicking the behavior that they see displayed by me. Maybe it’s time for me to work on sharing my pens.

In our lives right now, money is tight, but in all honesty, there have been times when money wasn’t so tight and yet I still struggled with this feeling of scarcity…. This fear of running out. So much of my life has revolved around a feeling of “not enough.”

I read a story once of a child who had found a paper clip in the backseat of the car. The child carried that paper clip everywhere with him. His mom wanted to get the paper clip out of his hands so he didn’t decide to put it in his mouth or poke himself with it. So she went to the store and bought him a new toy. The child was grasping the paper clip so tightly that he wouldn’t let go of the paper clip even to accept the gift his mom was trying to give him. Is this what I am doing? Am I holding on so tightly to my paper clip that it’s making it impossible to free up my hands to grasp something even better that God is trying to give me?

Like I said, this is something I am struggling with. I want to be generous. I want to make good financial decisions for my family that will provide for us. I want to invest wisely and yet, I tend to gravitate towards fear when it comes to financial matters. Where is the line between being good stewards of the blessings God has given us and greed? Is this feeling of lack a direct result of my closed fist? What would happen if I opened my hand even a little to bless those around me? I wonder how God would work…