Author: Cinderella Squad

We started at the little school where my girls go when Bella Kate was in the second grade.  Never in a million years did I EVER think we would send our kids to a private school, but things change. So in the year 2020, we decided to switch schools and Bella Kate started her second grade year with a precious teacher at this little school.

One of the things we quickly learned was that most all of the kids got really excited about running for the cross country team.  It was one of the only sports that everyone (meaning Kindergarten through 5th grade) could do, but it was also the sport with the biggest and most fun after season party. So the motivation to run for a majority of the students was this legendary after season party.

Bella Kate didn’t run cross country that first year but after seeing the after season party, she decided she wanted to run her 3rd grade year.   That just so happened to be the year that Carly started Kindergarten and Carly has ALWAYS tried to keep up with her big sister. So, of course, she wanted to run too. 

Practice was held in the field next to school and everyone got popsicles at the end of each practice.  It was not my girls’ favorite thing to do, but they also were not completely miserable.  They got to play with their friends a little longer in the afternoon and were able to run off some of the energy they had from sitting in class all day.  

It was all fun and games until the day of the first race. Both girls were pretty quiet on the way to the park which usually means that they are full of nerves.  None of us really knew what to expect as I had never attended a cross country race either.  I just tried to assure them that if they simply did their best I would be so very proud of them. 

As I watched each category of people run, I watched as a little girl crossed the finish line and proceeded to vomit all over the place. For the rest of the races, runners (and parents) had to try to avoid that part of the finish line.  I watched so many kids cry a large portion of the race from exhaustion.  I watched parents running along the outside of the track with their kids and cheering them on the whole way.  Then there were the parents like myself. I am not, nor have I ever been a runner and so I waited with the girls at the starting line, briskly walked to the middle portion of the race and then leisurely strolled back to the finish line to wait for my girls and cheer them on.

Running a mile for kids that age is hard and I was so proud of them.  You could tell, especially in the uphill middle, that they were tired.  They were hot.  They were ready to give up, but they kept moving. When they saw me cheering for them, they each smiled with pride and ran a little faster to show me how fast they could run. 

After a quick stop for Kona Ice near the finish line, we hopped in the car to head home.  My momma heart was BURSTING with pride.  I waited until we got in the car to say what I wanted to say because some of their friends cried all the way to the finish line.  So when we got in the car, I said, “Girls, I am SO proud of you.  You did something hard today and you did it with a smile on your face.  You didn’t give up. You didn’t get discouraged.  You kept going and you finished it. I am SO SO PROUD OF YOU!”  

I then asked each of them what they thought.  Carly immediately looked at me with a look of pure disgust all over her face and said, “Mom, I am NEEEEVVER doing that again!” And I didn’t even know how to respond.

So maybe my pride alone was not going to be enough to make this adventure “fun” for Carly. Heat and Carly are not friends. She has always HATED to get hot.  She actually told me just this morning that she is more of a cold weather person… and I agree.  She is a lot like her daddy who has to be part polar bear.  

The thing about Carly is that she is athletic.  Bella Kate has the heart and desire but has to work really hard while Carly is more natural but has no desire. When it comes to running, Carly is just a really good runner.  She has the right stride and the perfect gait to do really well in cross country.  But especially that day, she had NO desire to EEEEVER do it again.  

Once she had a little while to cool off and then experienced the after season party, Carly decided to give it another shot.  So the next year, both girls once again ran cross country.  At the first meet, Bella Kate did really well and was so proud of herself.  (Even though she was in the last portion of the runners to finish, she did her very best which made us so proud too. She actually ended the season with the most improved time.)  She kept a positive attitude and honestly that is what makes my momma heart the proudest.

When it was Carly’s turn to run, I had been helping get stickers on the runners and had missed being at the starting line.  The first thing I noticed when I found her running in the middle was that she had on 2 different pairs of shoes.  The second thing I noticed was that she was holding hands with one of her friends while awkwardly trying to run.  

Now, please understand that I am not the most competitive person in the world, but when you are at a cross country meet… you RUN.  You don’t mess around with crazy shoe ideas. You don’t hold hands with your best friend.  You do your best not to walk unless you need to… you just RUN.  So we told Carly that she needed to stop holding hands with her friends so she could run.  She reluctantly obeyed but I could tell she still waited for her friend to keep pace with her which was causing her to slow down.

Even with all of those things, she finished in the top 20.  And there were a quite a few little kids running this race!

She has always been the more competitive of the two girls and so when we got in the car, I simply asked her if she would like to win a medal. Of course she said yes. So I told her that if she could have gotten a medal that day but she would need to wear her own shoes, stop holding hands with her friends, stop waiting for her friends and just run.  You could see her wheels turning as she sat in the back seat on the drive home.  I just let it simmer for her.

The next race, she wore her own shoes. She didn’t wait on her friends or hold hands with her friends. She ran. John walked to various parts of the race track and about 3/4ths of the way through the race she had started walking but she wasn’t out of breath.  It was almost like she didn’t have anyone with her so she just decided to walk a little and check out the scenery.  As he walked along the sidelines, John reminded her of her goal to get a medal and told her that if she ran, she just might get one.  Carly proceeded to SPRINT the rest of the race and ended up coming in 7th.  She got her medal for being one of the first 10 people to cross the finish line and she was one happy little girl.   (She wasn’t even winded!)

I am reminded of Hebrews 12:1-2 which says “Therefore since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up.  And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.”

When Carly took off her friend’s shoes she was able to run better.  When Carly stopped holding hands with her friends and instead became bold enough to run fast even if it meant she might feel like she was running alone, she ran better. When Carly focused on the prize at the end, she ran better.  When Carly looked around and saw her father watching her and cheering for her, she ran better.  

What is it that holds you back? 

Is it a friend who always seems to talk you into something you know is not really in your best interest? Is it the coworker that complains about everything and you quickly find yourself doing the same?   Is it a secret sin or addiction that has a death grip on your hand and slows you down so much you can’t even imagine being able to run freely? Is it something you are wearing… maybe not physically but emotionally.  Is it the wrong sized sneaker of regret or maybe the high heels of shame or maybe it’s the flip flops of simply not doing the things you know you should be doing?  What would it feel like to take those things off? To just let those things go?

Maybe it’s time to focus on the prize. What is your prize?  We are told that our minds can’t comprehend what is waiting for us in heaven.  It’s easy to get discouraged when all around us is so NOT heaven.  The negativity of the news,  the hatred and blame we see all around us, but when we are in that uphill hard middle, maybe we simply need to look for our Father and let HIM remind us of the prize at the end of our race.  

Whatever you do, just keep running!

One Sunday morning, we were getting ready to start our worship service. Carly had gone to the restroom and while she was gone, Bella Kate had used Carly’s paper (but had used her own pens) to draw a picture on the back. When Carly returned, she asked to use the pens to finish the picture that Bella Kate had started.

While trying to sing, I notice a disagreement taking place. When the frustrated looks kept going, I asked what was happening. Carly said she wanted to borrow Bella Kate’s pens. I looked at Bella Kate who said, “I don’t want her to use them because I don’t want her to use up all of my ink.” Meanwhile, Bella Kate was trying to give Carly her highlighter markers to use because she said they “do the same thing.” Carly wanted nothing to do with the highlighters.

After the song, I grabbed the colored pens from my Bible cover that both girls use every Sunday to color in their Bibles and handed them to Carly. It wasn’t long before Bella Kate wanted to use them. When Carly didn’t want to share, Bella Kate looked to me to make Carly share. (Personally, I didn’t blame Carly for not wanting to share, but told her to share just the same.)

As the service went on, the sharing seemed to get a little better until Bella Kate started using the brown. (Yes, brown… of all colors!) Carly was holding ALL of the pens in her hand except the brown and I could see the frustration rising. That’s when I noticed that they were writing notes back and forth. The note said, “Can I borrow the brown marker?” The reply was, “I don’t have a marker, I have a pen and there’s not another one.”

So Carly was sitting there with every single pen EXCEPT the brown and yet that was the one she wanted. Meanwhile, Bella Kate was coloring everything possible with the brown knowing that Carly wanted it. Then, to put her in her place and add a little insult to injury, she used a technicality to frustrate her further by correcting her use of the word ‘marker’.

By this point, I am beyond frustrated and simply amused at the entire situation. ALL of the pens were bought by me. It was me who had supplied Bella Kate with the initial pens that were being discussed. I was the one who supplied the pens they were using and the Bible’s they were coloring in. On top of that, if the ink does run out, I will be the one who supplies them again. WHY are they fighting over these silly pens??

Then I wondered how God feels about me sometimes.  

It was God who supplied our home. It was God who supplied the cars we drive, the food we eat, the family we have. It was God who has supplied every blessing we have and yet, sometimes I hold on to those blessings with a fist clenched so tightly that my knuckles turn white. It’s like I worry about my “ink being used up.”

What is it within us that drives scarcity? Is it a lack of faith that God will take care of us? If we know that God is the one who supplies all of our needs… if we know that all of the things we have right now are because of His goodness… if we know that God is a good and generous God… why then, is sharing so hard?

As my thoughts began to shift from the pens to my own life, I was hit with the realization that God must get pretty frustrated with me sometimes too. He has been so so good to me and yet, I often find myself afraid to share those blessings with those around me because something inside of me is terrified that I will run out. 

This is not a something I am proud of or that I have the answer for, but one that I am working on. Maybe the apples didn’t fall from the tree. Maybe my girls are simply mimicking the behavior that they see displayed by me. Maybe it’s time for me to work on sharing my pens.

In our lives right now, money is tight, but in all honesty, there have been times when money wasn’t so tight and yet I still struggled with this feeling of scarcity…. This fear of running out. So much of my life has revolved around a feeling of “not enough.”

I read a story once of a child who had found a paper clip in the backseat of the car. The child carried that paper clip everywhere with him. His mom wanted to get the paper clip out of his hands so he didn’t decide to put it in his mouth or poke himself with it. So she went to the store and bought him a new toy. The child was grasping the paper clip so tightly that he wouldn’t let go of the paper clip even to accept the gift his mom was trying to give him. Is this what I am doing? Am I holding on so tightly to my paper clip that it’s making it impossible to free up my hands to grasp something even better that God is trying to give me?

Like I said, this is something I am struggling with. I want to be generous. I want to make good financial decisions for my family that will provide for us. I want to invest wisely and yet, I tend to gravitate towards fear when it comes to financial matters. Where is the line between being good stewards of the blessings God has given us and greed? Is this feeling of lack a direct result of my closed fist? What would happen if I opened my hand even a little to bless those around me? I wonder how God would work…

Recently John rented “Super Mario Brothers” for us to watch on family movie and pizza night. In one of the scenes, Mario and Luigi are down in the sewage system of the city. As they are looking around, Mario suddenly realizes that Luigi is no longer with him. As Mario calls out Luigi’s name, he finds Luigi’s wrench inside one of the tunnels. As he picks up the wrench and walks further into the tunnel, he begins to feel the pull of the vortex. He calls out to Luigi again but still gets no answer. Suddenly, before he even realizes what has happened, he gets sucked into the tunnel and into another world. Soon, he finds himself in a world where nothing is like home. He doesn’t know how to get back nor does he know how to find Luigi…

For whatever reason, this vortex reminded me of a portion of Matthew that I read recently. Matthew 12:43- 45.

“43 “When an impure spirit comes out of a person, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. 44 Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’ When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put in order. 45 Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first. That is how it will be with this wicked generation.”

The religious leaders of Jesus’ day were trying so hard to follow the law to the letter by removing anything that even resembled a sin. (Remember how they were constantly trying to catch Jesus and his disciples doing something unlawful on the Sabbath?) Jesus’ entire ministry was spent not in telling them how to follow the law more closely, but in how to LOVE better! Jesus basically spends a majority of his time saying, “Hey!  Yes, you may be following the law, but you are missing the point… I don’t want your actions… I want your heart! Your motives are so very important! 

But back to the issue at hand… The religious leaders were trying so hard to take out the bad/corrupt/sin that they are forgetting one VERY important part… to fill the void! Jesus says that the “It will find the house unoccupied, go in and take with it 7 other spirits more wicked than itself… and the final conditions of the person will be worse than the first.” 

In essence, by only focusing on the removal of the bad, they were creating a sort of vortex in their own lives. Sure they were able to get the bad out, but unless that bad is replaced with something else, something good… a vacuum will form and it will suck in even more evil than before.

Take darkness for example.  What is darkness?  It is not a THING… it is the ABSENCE of a thing.  It’s the absence of light.  So you can’t get rid of darkness without bringing in the light.  The same goes for sin in our lives.  In order to STOP sinning, we must replace those sins with something good.  Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self-Control. 

This especially holds true for those with addictions of any kind.  It is not enough for an addict to simply STOP engaging in the addictive behavior.  They MUST replace that behavior with something else.  If that behavior is not replaced, a vortex can and will form.  It is by sheer will power that they abstain from the behavior for as long as possible… but when temptation becomes too great and they give in to the temptation, the addiction is often even greater than before. 

I often think of dieting.  I have yo-yo dieted my entire life.  For me,  I would diet… lose weight for a while, feel great… but because I wasn’t filling that void with something positive… when temptation became too great and I slipped, I often got sucked into another world of food, sweet and salty, and before long I had gained back all of the weight I had worked so hard to lose and then some!  (I can literally imagine myself being sucked into the Super Mario Bro tunnel and finding myself in Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory… the struggle is real, y’all!) 

I joke about the eating but it rings true with so many types of addictions and sin! Recently a friend of mine lost her son to addiction. He had been clean for 8 months.  In a moment of weakness, he was sucked into the vortex and unfortunately paid the ultimate price for it. I can’t help but wonder how differently his story could have turned out had he replaced that darkness with light… if he had replaced his addiction with God. What if rather than using will power, he tapped into God’s power.  What if he started seeking HIM rather than running from the addiction.  

Only God can answer that question. Only God knows. But as I look at those around me and quite honestly in my own life of sin… What if, rather than simply trying so hard to get rid of the sin, I started seeking God… seeking what HE wants for me and from me. He says his yoke is easy and his burden is light. What if, instead of creating a vortex with the voids, I create help for those around me with the light. What if I let God have his way with me and let him mold me into exactly what He has called me to be? What if I get rid of the darkness by bringing in the LIGHT?

The first time I remember hearing the verse “Be Still and know that I am God” was when I was a teenager at Short Mountain Bible Camp.  Because there were few campers from my small country church, we would simply tag along with another church for camp in the summers.  Mr. Herb was the leader of the week we spent at camp and was one of the kindest, most loving men I have ever known. He had a deep yet kind voice and often seemed to talk out of the side of his mouth ever so slightly.  I can remember vividly Mr Herb sitting all of us energetic campers down in the shade on top of a mountain. In front of us lay some of the most beautiful scenery I’ve ever encountered even to this day and Mr. Herb. After getting all of us settled and semi quiet, He loudly said the verse, “Be still and know that I am God.” Now even as I type this I can hear his voice and feel the heat of the summer sun. Along with over 100 young, very active campers, I sat in the itchy grass and stared at him trying to figure out where he was going with this.    He then asked us to then close our eyes and take a moment of silence to really ponder what that verse meant. To a young girl with an active social life, this “moment” was a challenge, but I genuinely tried to figure out exactly why God would want us to “be still”. That week, I came to the conclusion that maybe He wanted us to be still so that we could take time to notice the beauty that was all around us, not only in nature but even in the people we were with. I decided that “Be still and know that I am God” was an invitation to stand in awe of God’s magnificent handiwork. 

The next time I remember having these words to mind over and over was as a young adult. Staying busy was a way of escape for me. I was what I like to call, a late bloomer. I was a single woman watching my friends get married and start families of their own. In many ways, I felt stuck in life. Like I had somehow missed some invisible cue to move on to being a wife and mom.  So I stayed BUSY!  I loved to be on the go or so I told myself but the sad truth was that I felt like I HAD to be on the go. For me, I was so afraid that if I slowed down I would only feel the voids. I was afraid that stillness would make me even more acutely aware of the things I longed for but was missing in my life. One day, I went to paint pottery with some friends. That particular day, I decided to draw a tree and write the words, “Be still and know.” It was something that had been coming to mind often and so I decided to use it. This verse was still saw an invitation for me to stand in awe of God’s handiwork but I was also beginning to see it as an invitation to simply slow down.

Just a few years back, I was a mom of young girls and a wife to a soldier. I was trying (and feeling like I was failing) to be all things to all people. I can remember vividly thinking that “being a wife and a mother was all I had ever really wanted, so why was I so very bad at it?” The anxiety I felt on an almost daily basis was paralyzing. It was around the time that I started meditating… like you know, sitting upright, focused on breathing, meditating. I can remember trying to meditate on the words, “Be still and know that I am God.”  (Breathe in) Be. (Breathe out) still. (Breathe in) and. (Breathe out) know. (Breathe in) that. (Breathe out) I. (Breathe in) am. (Breathe out) God. It was calming. And it was one of the verses that helped me to feel centered when my brain was misfiring. Once again, I was invited to stand in awe of God’s handiwork. Once again, I was invited to slow down. But I also realized that it was an invitation to rest and reset, mind, body and soul. 

In life we have seasons. Some seasons we like better than others. We have highs and lows, peaks and valleys. Our most recent season has been some of my most favorite to date. I have loved watching my children grow into little humans with minds and thoughts of their own. I love watching them learn about God, navigate friendships, and overcome obstacles. I have loved watching my husband grow in his spiritual life! I genuinely love watching him become the man God has called for him to be. I love the friendship that we have created and the life we have together. But as a preacher friend once told me, “In life you are either in a hard time, coming out of a hard time or about to be going into a hard time.” Maybe this is a negative way of looking at life, but for me it reminds me that nothing is forever and that when life is good, I need to soak it all up! Every. Last. Drop!

Well, in the last few weeks, we have hit some very uncertain times. I know that God is with us and that He will take care of us, but in all honesty, I’m scared. Once again, God has been bringing this verse to mind. Unlike the times before, this time, I feel like I can hear God telling me, “Amy, you can be still.  Don’t you know that I am God? Can’t you see I’ve got this!” So one morning as I was at work and in between tasks and thinking on this verse, I decided to read the verse in context.

Psalm 46 reads: 

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy habitation of the Most High. God is in the midst of her; she will not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns. The nations rage, the kingdoms totter; he utters his voice, the earth melts. The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah.

Come, behold the works of the LORD, how he has brought desolations on the earth. He makes wars cease to the end of the earth; he breaks the bow and shatters the spear; he burns the chariots with fire. BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth! The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah

I love how David repeats, “The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress!” I think I needed to hear that twice too! Then suddenly, while standing in the quiet school cafeteria, it hit me. He IS GOD. He DOES have this. As a matter of fact, He always has and always will. In my striving, it is easy to think I can do it all by myself. But when I am still, like when I get really really still, I can see how very small I am, but also how He loves me, cares for me AND is WITH me!

When I am still, I stand in awe of His handiwork. I see it all around me. When I am still, I can slow down, rest and reset, not only my body but my mind and my soul. When I am still I can stand in the KNOWING that He is WITH me! When I am still, I KNOW that He IS GOD! 

On Sunday mornings, we try to have a dollar for each of the girls to have something to put in the collection plate. A few Sunday’s ago, Carly (age 6) looked up at me and asked me if I had a dollar for her. I told her that I had forgotten to grab one that morning. She said, “Ok.” But I could see her wheels turning. She looked around at her things and then back up at me and said, “Mom, do you think God likes lollipops?”

After quickly and quietly trying to explain that when we give for the contribution we are giving the money to the church to use for God’s work… we aren’t actually giving God the money. But, I wanted to make sure she knew that God LOVES lollipops especially when we give them to people in love!

Matthew 10:42 says “And if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones who is my disciple, truly I tell you, that person will certainly not lose their reward.” I tried to explain this to her in the car on the way home. I told her that God ALWAYS loves it when we give what we have to others. 

The following Wednesday night, I noticed one of the teen girls holding a lollipop after church. She smiled at me and said that Carly had given her her lollipop… and my mommy heart smiled.

Recently I was talking with a friend while we were waiting for our girls to finish gymnastics. My friend lost her husband very unexpectedly a few years ago when her daughter was only 3 years old. The last few years have been hard for her to say the least but we were talking about how some people don’t seem to have any problem asking for help while there are others, (ourselves included) who find it so so hard to ask for help. She told me about some work she needed done on her house and how she’s been putting it off because she hates to ask for help. Then she told me about how she had this bird that was building a nest above the fan on her patio. She said the fan is directly over their table so she was determined not to let the bird build a nest there. She told me how she found some old plastic snakes to put up there and the bird completely ignored it and built her nest. She took the nest down again and moved the snakes around a little. Not only did the bird build the nest again, but she also picked up the plastic snake and moved it off of the fan and into the yard. Once again, she removed the nest and this time she said she added zip ties and got a newer more realistic plastic snake.

The picture below is what it looks like now. My friend finally just gave up and let the bird have her babies and then she said she will move the nest again and try something new.

I laughed so hard when she showed me this picture, but I also couldn’t help but think, “This is what grit looks like! This is what determination looks like.”

In life, there are so many things that try to stand in the way of your dreams. It might be finances. It might be self doubt. It might be conflict that arises from friends and/or family who maybe don’t understand your goals. It might be health problems or losses along the way. So many things can happen and there are so many reasons you can find to give up. I guess that’s one of the hardships of the human experience here on earth. But as I look at that bird’s nest, I am reminded of what true grit and determination look like. When I look at my friend navigating life as a single mom, I am reminded of what true grit and determination look like. It’s not always pretty. It’s not always fun… and sometimes, it’s downright scary, but sometimes you just gotta keep building that nest!

There are few movies that hit me in the feels like Mr Magorium’s Wonder Emporium.  It’s a movie about a 243 year old man who runs a magical toy store. Knowing he is about to die, he decides to leave his toy store to Molly, a lady who had been working at the toy store for a long time. Molly, upon realizing that Mr. Magorium is going to die, decides to help him have the most amazing day ever so that he will realize all he has to live for in hopes he will change his mind and decide to live. 

The story is such a sweet one and in so many ways reflects a life well lived. There are so many quotes all throughout the movie that just made my heart smile. So many quotes that could be applied to so many different areas of life. 

Quotes like “We must face tomorrow, whatever it may hold, with determination, joy and bravery!”

Or, 

“37 seconds” (Mr. Magorium)

“Great. Well Done. Now we wait.” (Molly)

“No. We breathe. We pulse. We regenerate. Our hearts beat. Our minds create. Our souls ingest. 37 seconds, well used, is a lifetime!” (Mr. Magorium)

“Unlikely adventures require unlikely tools.”

“There are a million things one might do with a block of wood. But what do you think might happen if someone, just once, believed in it?” 

But the one that gets my EVERY SINGLE TIME is when he is explaining to Molly that he is about to die. She has been doing everything in her power to show him all he has to live for but she finally accepts that he is really going to die. He looks at her and says, “When King Lear dies in Act V, do you know what Shakespeare has written? He’s written “he dies.” That’s all, nothing more. No fanfare, no metaphor, no brilliant final words. The culmination of the most influential work of dramatic literature is “He dies.” It takes Shakespeare, a genius, to come up with “He dies” and yet every time I read those two words, I find myself overwhelmed with dysphoria. And I know it’s only natural to be sad, but not because of the words “He dies” but because of the life we saw prior to the words.” 

“I’ve lived all 5 of my acts, Mahoney, and I am not asking you to be happy that I must go. I’m only asking that you turn the page, continue reading, and let the next story begin. And if anyone asks what became of me, you relate my life in all it’s wonder and end it with a simple and modest “He died”. 

“I love you.” (Molly)

“I love you too. 

Your life is an occasion, rise to it!”

Maybe it is because I feel like I hear of a different death every other day, when I heard this tonight, I had to get my thoughts out of my head and into writing. I realize this might be a morbid thought, but I would love for that quote to be read at my funeral. At the end of my life, I don’t expect anyone to be happy about it, I’m only asking that those that I leave behind will turn the page, keep reading, and let the next story begin.  And always remember “Your life is an occasion! Rise to it!”

I recently celebrated my 40th birthday.  40 YEARS…I mean, WHY does that feel and sounds so old?

40 years is

A LOT of days

A lot of smiles

A lot of blessings

and A LOT of things to be thankful for! 

So I decided to make a list of 40 things I’m thankful for in no particular order. Maybe it will make you smile as much as so many people have made me smile during my 40 years!

Without further ado, my 40 things I’m thankful for on my 40th birthday!

1. God.  Without Him… well, none of the rest of this would be a thing anyway, right? ❤️ But I must say, He has blessed me more than I deserve and loved me through the good, the bad, and the ugly! He has given me strength when I was weak, hope when things felt hopeless, peace when my little world felt shaken.  He has been a constant in my life and I am so thankful for the love He showers on me every single day. I look forward to the day I will get to see Him face to face! 
2. Sunrises.  They just leave me in awe!  Especially the ones on the beach! It’s just an amazing masterpiece that God performs EVERY SINGLE DAY without fail and yet it’s so often overlooked. 
4. My parents.  They have loved me unconditionally, stuck with me through the hard times, been my biggest cheerleaders, walked beside me through my entire life and taught me to love, value and appreciate others. I also must say it’s really fun to watch them be grandparents. 
5. Growing up on a farm. Even though I wanted to live in the “city” with neighbors that could come over and play, I wouldn’t trade those days of playing by myself in the creek and singing “The Hills are Alive” while running through the field (yes, I actually did that! 😂) for anything. It’s a life I now realize was a total privilege! 
6. Teachers who believed in me.  One of the first ones that comes to mind is Mr. Sircy, my high school biology teacher.  He was a good one! He had a way of making everyone feel like they were special to him, and was somehow able to motivate people to work harder and do better than they even thought they could do. He’s not alone though.  There were many teachers over the years who taught me way more lessons than what I learned from the textbook.  
7. My grandparents.  I realize that there are so many people who were never able to know their grandparents, but I was blessed with 3 sets for a majority of my life.  2 biological and 1 that adopted our family!  I’m thankful for the memories I have of the ones who are gone and I’m thankful that I still have two in relatively good health. I’m thankful we were able to see them after a REALLY long time this past weekend! It was good for the soul!
8. High school friends. Yep, the Fab 5.  We were best friends from early elementary throughout high school.  We were “sisters” and I’m so thankful for all the memories we shared throughout the years. I’m thankful for the many slumber parties, late nights talking on the phone, riding around town together, and even after all these years, knowing without a shadow of doubt that if I ever needed them, they would be here in an instant.  
9. Giggles. I mean, ALL kinds of giggles… the chuckles, the ‘he he’’s, and the belly laughs, but I’m especially thankful for the ones that make you hold your side (and sometimes change your pants)… ahhh… those are just the best! I’m thankful for the sound of little kids giggling, even the giggles that let me know that things are about to get out of control with my own girls! And I am thankful for those people who make you laugh and just make the world lighter and happier by being in it! Yep, laughing is just the best!
10. Family -Immediate and extended! I’m thankful for the unconditional love that my family exhibits. I’m thankful for my brother and for my cousins who grew up with me and were my first best friends!  I know in my heart of hearts that there is nothing that would make my family stop loving me and I hope and pray that I am able to show that same love to others! 
11. Friends who become family! They say it takes a village, well my parents had a great one when I was growing up!  I never doubted that I was loved. They weren’t blood relatives but they were family just the same!  I’m thankful for the friends we have now who love us and our girls!  They have become our village!  They may not be blood relatives but they are family just the same!
12. College friends– Those were some very fun years!  That was when we first started learning about who we REALLY are and were pushed outside of our comfort zones of home.  I’m thankful for the memories of singing Janis Joplin and the Dixie Chicks to the top of our lungs, McCormick Hall then moving to Stonehenge, the farm, life before cell phones and social media, the ID center, dental hygiene school, dancing to “Dixieland Delight” and then “Get Low.” I’m especially thankful for those who made memories with me along the way! 
13. Past jobs.  I’m thankful for all the people I’ve had the privilege to work with and for over the years and for the opportunities I was given. I have no regrets!  I absolutely love what I do now and am thankful to do something else but I’m so thankful for the experiences I’ve had and the people I’ve met and grown to love through those jobs!
14. John.  I’m thankful that even on my worst days, even when he may not like me, he loves me. I’m thankful that he works hard for our family and still doesn’t hesitate to help out around the house. I’m thankful for the good times and am learning to be thankful for the bad. I never knew that the two things I wanted more than anything else in life (marriage and motherhood) would be two of the hardest things to do really well. I’m so thankful that I’ve been able to experience both though and am thankful for our life! ❤️ 
15. Living in Tennessee. I really do think Tennessee is the best place in the world. I love the seasons (even when we get all 4 seasons in 1 day)! I love the beautiful scenery it offers, but more than anything I love the people!  Tennesseans are just different than a lot of other places and I’m thankful for the southern hospitality and kindness!
16. Grace!  Man, oh, man!  I no doubt I am the LUCKIEST step mom in the whole world! This girl is amazing in so many ways and I’m so thankful that I have gotten to be a part of her life! She has a heart of gold and is beautiful inside and out!  I’m thankful for the lessons she has taught me about love and selflessness and for her being the person that she is!  
17. The beach– What is it about the ocean that creates such awe in my heart? To know that God created that… the view of water as far as the eye can see, to watch the movement and hear the sounds of the waves. I can’t explain it but it still leaves me in awe and I’m just thankful for every chance I get to see that!
18. Bella Kate! The first person to ever call me mommy! I’m so thankful for the opportunity to get to hold that title. I’m thankful for the year that we had together just the two of us. Even though it was hard, I’m so thankful she was with me. I’m thankful for her crooked smile and HUGE heart. I’m thankful for the lessons she teaches me on a daily basis, and for the love and concern she shows for others.  I’m thankful that I get to hear her sing and make up songs, even when sometimes I am wanting it to just be quiet! She is my mini-me in SO many ways and I’m thankful for everyday I get to watch her grow up and become who she is meant to be!
19. Great neighbors!  We have been blessed with some really great neighbors over the years.  When John was deployed I’m not sure what I would have done without our next door neighbors and now we are blessed with more amazing neighbors who watch out for our girls and care for our family. I’m so thankful for just knowing that they are there!
20. Carly! I’m so thankful for her big hugs and cuddly nature, for the ways she makes me laugh without ever really meaning to, for her facial expressions and sense of humor, for her confidence and strong will (even when that strong will pushes my buttons!) I’m thankful for the way she snuggles up even when she’s still asleep just so she can get a little bit closer to me. I’m thankful that I get to have the experience of being a mom to all of my girls!
21. People who remember birthdays! Sometimes I totally forget the value of a simple “happy birthday” message!  Nothing fancy, nothing earth shattering… but it feels so good to be remembered! Every single year I tell myself I will do better about this…. maybe this year will be the year! 😉 
22. Norwex.  Y’all, who knew that a direct sales company would come along and completely change the entire trajectory of my life? Who knew that I would meet some of the best friends I’ve ever had through that very company? I’m just so so thankful!  I’m thankful for the guidance, the leadership, the growth both with my business and personally and for getting to experience something I never dreamed I would get to experience! I’m thankful for the generosity of Norwex as a company and for the generosity of it’s leaders who simply want to see you succeed! I don’t know if this is the road I’ll be on forever but I’ve learned so many valuable things through this experience and will forever be grateful!
23. My chiropractor!  I mean, not everyone gets to get an adjustment and personal development/life coaching in the same appointment, but I do! ❤️ I’m thankful for Dr. Matt and his entire staff! They are truly amazing! 
24. My mother in law.  I’m thankful that my girls get to have her as a Gran, for the trips she has been able to take over the years, for the ways she teaches me about generosity, and for all the ways she has loved our family.  
25. Detours! Both figuratively and physically.  Today, on my way home from the chiropractor, I was lost in thought (actually I was thinking about all the things I’m thankful for) and totally got lost…  Seriously, I thought I was on one road but out of habit went another way and couldn’t find the exit that I was expecting.… So maybe I should be concerned, but I actually got to see some very beautiful farmland on some roads I have never taken before.  Sometimes my life detours have given me that same experience… beautiful scenery and some experiences I would never have experienced otherwise! 
26. Audiobooks and podcasts.  What can I say? I love them!  
27. Yoga! It’s very much my workout of choice!  Followed closely by Zumba! It all depends on my mood!
28. Family vacations.  There is just something about being able to get away from home and day-to-day life for a bit that makes you appreciate your home and day-to-day life more.  Not exactly sure how that works but it’s pretty amazing. I am thankful for the trips we have been able to take recently with some really amazing friends and for the trips we have taken with just our family! I’m thankful for the experiences and memories made!
29. My tribe. You know who you are! I don’t know what I would do without them! They are the people who truly “get” me! They know my story!  They know my past and present, but most importantly they know my heart! 
30. My children’s school– never in a million years did I EVER think we would send our girls to a private school but I am so very thankful that God led us to this one! I can’t even begin to tell you how amazing the teachers, staff, volunteers, and students have been to Bella Kate! I’m especially thankful for her teacher and for her loving Bella Kate. I’m thankful for the Bible lessons and life lessons they are given on a daily basis. It’s just a whole new world and I’m thankful we have had the opportunity to go there!
31. My church family.  I’m thankful for the church family we have now but also the church families I’ve had throughout the years!  I’ve been welcomed and loved in each one and am thankful for the many hours of instruction and learning that each one had to offer! 
32. The gift of stories!  I love stories! I’m so thankful for each person who has shared their personal stories with me throughout the years.  I’m thankful for the ones who have taken the time to listen to mine as well. Some of those stories were funny, some inspirational, and some were absolutely heartbreaking, but I truly believe that stories are special and something I don’t take for granted! 
33. Experiences– along the same line as stories… I’m thankful for personal experiences.  The good ones AND the bad ones.  They have helped to mold me into who I am today.  Every wisdom has it’s price. I’m just thankful I have been able to have as many experiences as I have had over the last 40 years of life! 
34. Energy.  Somedays this feels like it’s in lower or higher supply than others, but I’m thankful for the days when I am full of energy and ready to conquer the world!
35. Which leads me to …. (caffeine) ahem I mean, Coffee shop work days!  I’m so thankful for the flexibility I never thought I would have to work wherever I want to work. Today, it was at the coffee shop. I enjoyed my chocolate banana muffin and caramel macchiato birthday gift to myself very much! (I also enjoyed my own company!)
36. People who cheer me on in life!  Actually, I’m thankful for people who cheer others on in general!  This world has enough critics!  I am thankful for the ones who are genuinely happy for other people and want to see others succeed in life!  The older I get the less time I have to be around people who will make me the topic of conversation as soon as I leave.  I’m thankful for the people who really love me and want good things for me!  I can promise you, I want the same for them!
37. My health!  I’m thankful for being able to breathe, for being able to walk and run (even if motherhood has made that a little more difficult) I’m thankful for my eye sight, for being able to hear, for my sense of touch and sense of smell, and for the ability to speak. 
38. Early mornings!  Sometimes I think I would love to sleep in, but there is just something about the morning time! The quiet stillness of the morning before everyone wakes up and it’s just me and God and my thoughts and prayers.  I’m thankful for every single morning I am able to enjoy that time. 
39. People who love my girls!  I’m thankful for all the people who love me… but when you see people love your children, encourage your children, cheer on your children, and want good things for your children… wow! It’s just a whole new level of appreciation!
40. Godwinks!  You know those things that happen and you KNOW that God did it JUST for you!  I love those! A few Godwinks for me have been patients who maybe weren’t supposed to be with me but somehow made it to my chair, chance encounters at the airport or restaurants, people thrown into my dorm room on the first day of college, a card or call from someone on JUST the right day, songs or smells that take you back to some long forgotten memory…Man! Good times!  Good times! 
41. You… yep! If you are reading this… it means that you are in my life in some capacity and my life is different (maybe even better) in some way because of you.  Thank you for being you!

I still remember being a little girl and having to get my hair brushed.  OH THE HORROR!  I am NOT a vain person, but when I was a little girl, I had the most beautiful head of thick, platinum blonde hair ever! Though I loved to dress up, I never liked fixing my hair.  I always thought French braids were beautiful but the torture of getting it braided kept me from wanting to do it very often AT ALL! It hurt all the way down to my toes, y’all!  My mom would use my “pink brush” because it was the most gentle brush we could find and yet it STILL hurt! I still remember one of my biggest haircuts was all because the knot in my hair was so bad that my mom threw up her hands in frustration and said, “You’re just going to have to get it cut!” So I did!

By the time Grace came into my life, my head was no longer as tender as it had been when I was a child. Grace was also pretty good at doing her own hair- one of the possible benefits of having a single dad for a while.  One of our favorite things to do together was to play “beauty shop”! After I washed my hair, she loved to dry and style it and I loved to do her hair too! Our “beauty shop” time was a bonding experience for us. We would talk about anything and everything while relaxing in the warmth of the hair dryer and gentle sensation of someone playing with your hair. We still do this when she is home from school. It makes me smile just thinking about it.  So of course, I couldn’t wait for my other girls to get big enough for us to play “beauty shop” together. 

Cue the screeching record…

Let’s just say, I hope that “hair time” (notice I didn’t say “beauty shop”) doesn’t leave irreparable damage! Unfortunately they are like me when I was a kid, thick hair, lots of tangles, tender headed, and they HATE having it brushed!

Though Carly’s hair seems to tangle more than Bella Kate’s, it is Bella Kate that hates brushing her hair the most. Bella Kate seems to take it as a personal attack. She glares at me as if I am trying to torture her on purpose! Sometimes she screams or cries. She has even been known to hit the sink in frustration! Y’all, one day, she kicked at me while I was doing her hair. (Let’s just say, that was the only time she did that!) Believe it or not, we have the most gentle (wet) hair brush we could find. I would have LOVED to have traded out that old pink brush for this one, but it doesn’t matter.  She has thick hair like her momma and her head is tender, also like her momma, so it just hurts. Tangles hurt!  Tangles are messy!  But you have to brush the tangles out to have smooth hair! It’s just something you have to do. 

Recently I was reading a book and the author referred to something as a “sin tangle”! I immediately thought of hair tangles and it especially reminded me of trying to brush out Bella Kate’s. Just like getting the tangles brushed out of our hair, brushing the sin tangles out of our lives hurts too. Whether that sin tangle be a friend who brings more pain and angst than joy and love or a habit of telling little white lies to stay out of trouble that slowly turn into a mountain of lies and a life where no one trusts you- sin tangles are messy!  Sin tangles hurt! And if they aren’t brushed out often enough, those very sin tangles can take root in our hearts and grow into dreadlock style addictions that take on a life of their own. 

I wonder if when God is brushing out our sin tangles we get mad at Him too?  Do we sometimes glare at Him and ask Him why He let it happen? Do we hit the counter in frustration and get angry? Do we cry or scream because it hurts? Do we try to hurt Him or others because we are hurting? This is the part where I can imagine God being like me!  I can imagine that some days He gets frustrated with me! I can imagine God looking at me and saying, “Amy, I’m doing the best I can, but I didn’t CAUSE these tangles. I’m just trying to help you get them out!” Maybe I glare back at him and accuse Him of being rough on purpose. Maybe I even scream out in frustration. 

Or maybe He is like me on the days that Bella Kate brushes her own hair first. When she decides to brush out her own hair before I get the brush, she is generally more compliant and will make it through most of the time without complaining. Sure there might be a slight jump or little cringe but for the most part, it just goes better! It’s ESPECIALLY on those days that I do everything in my power to make it as painless as possible. I really don’t like to hurt her. It’s just something that has to be done. I wonder if sometimes, when we take the initiative to get the sin tangles out of our lives first, that God does everything in His power to make the process as gentle and painless as possible. I wonder if He sees us doing our best to get out of sin’s strong hold and gently takes the brush from our hands and gets the rest out for us.  Sure, there might still be some cringes and maybe a few stabs of pain but overall, the process goes smoother.

Sometimes, those tangles get so big that we simply have to get it cut!  The good thing about a good haircut is that it removes all the dead and split ends and allows for healthy growth.  Maybe sometimes our sin tangles are passed the point of getting brushed out and simply need to be cut from our lives altogether! I think that in those cases, our necks (or hearts) sometimes feel bare and we are suddenly very aware of the unfamiliar sensations that were blocked by those tangles for so long. Sometimes those sensations may feel like anxiety of the unknown sprinkled with longing for the familiar.  Or it may be straight terror of simply feeling our emotions of which our society seems to have created a phobia. Whatever that sensation may be, change is sometimes hard. Change is sometimes messy.  But change is always necessary for healthy growth.  Maybe God needs to cut out parts of our lives to get rid of the dead and split ends we have collected so that He can make room for new and healthy growth. 

I still hold out hope that one day, Bella Kate and Carly will enjoy playing “beauty shop” with me. At the very least, I hope that they will get to the point of not seeing it as me trying to torture them. I’m also holding out hope that maybe, just maybe, I too will get to the point where I no longer view the “detangling” process of my life as a form of torture but rather as precious bonding time with my God.  

Somewhere along the way, I lost myself. 

I’m not even sure which road I was on at the time. I’m not sure of the day or the month.  But one day, I looked up, and I was gone.  

I was replaced by someone who looked an awful lot like me.  She sounded a lot like me.  She wore the same clothes and even had the same hairstyle as me, but she wasn’t really me.  The sparkle in her eyes was gone. Her zest for life was gone. And though she was a very good actress, I knew myself better than anyone else,  and I could tell, she wasn’t me. 

They say that if you drop a frog into boiling water, it will immediately jump out. But, if you gently place it in a pot filled with pleasantly tepid water and slowly heat it, the frog will remain in the water until it boils to death. I think this is sort of what happened to me. 

I couldn’t even remember the last time I saw myself before I woke up to find that I was missing. I think I was getting just enough glimpses of myself to THINK I was still me! But then there were times when I know I would normally have responded with more confidence and yet I was biting my tongue nearly in two to keep the peace. Times when I would watch my responses and think, “WHO IS THIS PERSON?” 

The craziest part was that I didn’t even miss me! I did not even realize I was gone! It happened so gradually.  One deployment, one baby, one postpartum depression, one cold shoulder, one eggshell to walk on, one argument, one missed invitation, one sleepless night, one “other” cheek turned- at a time. Though no physical injuries were made at all, the emotional scars I have acquired over the last few years are such that I’m not sure they will ever really fade.  The most bizarre part was that somehow through all of it, I became numb.  The funny thing about numbness is that while you don’t feel the pain quite so acutely, you also don’t feel pleasure. That was what this imposter, pretending to be me, felt- nothing. 

Even though on the surface, things looked great- nice house, nice enough clothes, beautiful children, no one going to bed hungry. I have so many of the things I had always prayed for. Yet, it was a strange feeling when I woke up to realize that my reality had had a head on collision with my lifelong expectation. The fairy tale that I had designed in my imagination was a complete farce.  The glass slipper most definitely did NOT fit. When did I go from being Cinderella to one of the mere props in the story? When did it go from a fairy tale to just a really bad dream? 

But God.

God knew where I was. In fact, God was there beside me through it all- through the ignorance, through the complete exhaustion that accompanied new motherhood and deployment, through betrayals, through the loneliest of lonely times, through the grief and shame, and through every single failure, HE WAS THERE! Never once did He leave me. He was with me, the REAL me, all along. 

It was God who helped me to see the smiling faces of my girls.  It was God who showed me the beautiful sunrise. It was God who had friends to call me on just the right day with just the right words to say. It was God who warmed my heart and spoke words of love to me and reminded me that I am HIS and that He loves me more than I can even comprehend.  It was God who slowly but surely reminded me of who I am and who He designed me to be.  

Believe it or not, God used a direct sales company to introduce me to some of the most amazing, Godly friends I have ever had.  He used that same company to teach me things about myself that I didn’t know and to remind me of things I had long ago forgotten.  God used Norwex to show me not only that I can still dream, but that dreams are a good thing. He showed me that I can support my family financially while also being the one who takes and picks up my children from school each day. God showed me that I can be a good mom, a good wife, and a good business woman. God used my business to build me (back) up and remind me of who I am. 

God has used many tools to mold me into who He wants for me to be.  In fact, He has used the things that I once thought would be “the thing” that would make me happy and complete (ie marriage and motherhood) and shown me that it’s not about making me happy… it’s about making me better. That means that somedays, God uses sandpaper. Somedays it’s heat.  Somedays it’s an unkind word. Somedays it’s learning forgiveness even when that person didn’t ask for it. Somedays it’s a mirror to show me the plank in my own eye. And then somedays, He creates the most beautiful scenery for me to walk through with some of my biggest blessings. Time and time again, He has reminded me that the smallest stars shine brightest during the darkest nights. 

 I’m a work in progress. I’m a total mess more days than not. I yell more than I should. I battle with bitterness more than I like to admit, but I know God is not done with me yet.  God won’t let me go through anything for nothing.  I lost myself for a while. I was genuinely terrified that I might never return. But God! God was with me the whole time. 

Phil Anderson is quoted as saying, “It’s a wild and wonderful thing to bump into someone and realize it’s you.” I guess you could say that I finally bumped into me recently. Apparently, I was right there all along and I was not alone!