Today is Veterans Day.  People all over social media are posting pictures of their favorite veterans.  Some of those people are spouses, parents, or children.  I decided to post a picture from John’s homecoming when he and Grace were embracing for the first time in a year. As I sat looking through those photos, trying to decide which picture to post, I could still feel the excitement, the anxiety, the anticipation, and even the loss.

When Bella Kate was only 6 months old, John left for a year long deployment. Though I know that it was a hard year for him just as it is hard for so many others service men and women who leave their families to risk their lives and sacrifice so much for our freedom, I can only speak from my point of view as the spouse left behind. 

When John deployed, I was still a relatively new step-mom and a VERY new mommy. Postpartum was an issue and I was very much in denial. Looking back, so much of that time is a big blur, but there are definitely things that stick out for me.

I remember the sheer terror, of being alone and having to take care of a little baby by myself (after all, they don’t come with owners manuals, ya know!) and if I’m honest, part of that fear was of not knowing if this would be a permanent arrangement.  Would he be one of the unlucky ones who never made it home? Or will he be the same when he comes home? What happens if someone breaks into our home? What happens if I have a wreck or a flat tire? What happens if Bella Kate gets sick in the night and I don’t know what to do? It was the fear of the unknown. The fear of not only what he might face while there, but what I might face here without him.

I remember all the “firsts” with Bella Kate and the nagging guilt that went along with being the one who got to experience it all.  Like the first time she stood, the first time she walked, the first time she said Momma on purpose and of course, I remember her first birthday. I can still feel her in my arms as I rocked her to sleep the night before her first birthday thinking back on the day of her birth… and I cried.. a big ugly cry. The tears were sad and lonely with a little guilt and bitterness mixed in for good measure. I was just disappointed that John couldn’t be there for the festivities, and a part of me felt guilty for having any fun without him.

I remember the insecurities.  Is John being faithful? Am I being a good wife? Am I being a good mom? Am I doing this right? Am I messing up? Am I enough? So. many. insecurities! 

I remember some of the comments made, both good and bad. The things said out of ignorance and the things said out of love. The problem was that people didn’t understand enough to know that they didn’t understand, and that was a very lonely and isolating feeling. When people would try to compare their husband who travels for work occasionally to a year long deployment, as crazy as it sounds, it hurt. I finally had to realize that people truly mean well and they can’t help that they don’t know what they don’t know. I also had to remind myself that I too have most likely been guilty of saying things in ignorance that somehow belittled someone else’s pain. I had to learn that people are doing the best they can with what they have been given and with the information they have at the time. You don’t know until you know.

The year was simultaneously the longest and shortest year of my life. When I looked back on particular days (and many of the nights) time seemed to stand still, yet when I looked back at just how much my little baby had grown in such a relatively short period of time, it was all just happening way too fast, and John was missing it!  The problem for me was that in the areas I wanted time to speed up, it slowed to a snail’s pace and in the areas I wanted time to slow down, it was as though the fast forward button was stuck down into the remote of life.

I spent a lot of time on the road to my parents’ farm. I can still remember having to pull over several times each way to calm a screaming little baby. (I finally got the time between each exit down to a science!) I can remember the long nights of praying for sleep to come and I still remember the very first cup of coffee I ever drank. That was a particularly long and exhausting night. Thankfully, my brother was my first patient the following morning so I was able to get out some of those coffee jitters before I had to clean anyone else’s teeth. My brother was a good sport.

I remember the dinners I had with friends who loved me and who thought to include me in their day to day life. I remember relishing in the noise and the normalcy of their world before going home to house that was just a little too dark and a little too quiet for comfort. I remember the swing set that was built by friends for Bella Kate’s birthday. I remember the Tuesday visits with Grace that seemed to go by entirely too quickly. And, I remember my neighbor who loved on me and was there with me for so much!

I remember the cards that were sent, one in particular was from a lady I had never met but her kindness will forever be etched into my memory.  It was on a particularly rough week and God used her to bless me. The card let me know that she had known John growing up and she just wanted me to know that she was “thinking of me and praying for me.”  She included a target gift card with instructions to go spend it on something for me. It was simple and to the point and she may not have thought much of it at all, but I cried. I pray that God will bless her a million times over for showing me such love and kindness! 

But the thing I remember most of all is the way my friends and family wrapped me up in love.  Yes, many of the day to day things went back to the way they always had been and people quickly forgot about me as they went about their busy lives and that’s ok. I too, have been guilty of getting wrapped up in my own world and forgetting to look around me. It happens and it’s natural. But there were those friends who checked on me, fed me, took care of Bella Kate for me, loved me and prayed for me. And for those people, I will NEVER forget your kindness. Thank you!  

John came home right before Christmas that year and I took a few weeks off of work to spend some quality time with him.  Those days were strange and wonderful. He had to figure out his place in our home once again and I had to figure out how to let him back in. Bella Kate wanted nothing to do with him for 2 full weeks.  It broke my heart and I can only imagine his as well, though he would never admit it.  She had never known daddy to be anything more than the person she talked to in the phone. He was much bigger and louder in person. Thankfully, we soon found our new routine and life went back to the way it was before. 

I have no idea where he was during that year. I don’t know what he did. I still don’t know so many things about his time there and I had to learn to be ok with that. In reality though, that went both ways. He didn’t know what we had been through either. I learned very quickly how to paint a smile on and hide the anxiety in my voice. We were told to not give our soldiers anything to worry about from home, so I did my very best to follow the rules.  I guess we both kept those things private from each other.

When I think back on that year I have a very vivid visual image of myself. It was me, walking forward, mid stride, slightly bent forward at the waist, Bella Kate on my hip, with my left arm covering my face just low enough for my eyes to see straight ahead over the point of my elbow. In my mind, I wouldn’t allow myself to look side to side only forward. I wouldn’t allow myself to stop and rest because I was so afraid I wouldn’t be able to get back up and start again. I wouldn’t let myself cry because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to stop. I did what I had to do to get through. I can imagine John’s year was much the same with maybe a little more violence. 

I learned a lot that year.  I learned that I can do a lot more than I thought I could. I learned how to give myself a little grace and learn form my mistakes. I learned that small kindnesses are the best. I learned that I have some of the best friends in the world. I learned that God will put the right people in the right places at the right time to help you through whatever you are going through. But the best lesson I learned was that God won’t let you go through anything for nothing. It’s funny how some of our greatest life lessons come from our darkest days. For me, that year was full of lessons and quite frankly, some of those lessons felt like sandpaper. But just as sandpaper makes the wood smooth, so those lessons helped me to mold me and make me into the person I am and hopefully a little closer to the me that God has called for me to be.

So today, as we celebrate Veteran’s day, I am so very thankful for the men and women who have sacrificed so much for our freedoms. I am thankful that they were willing not only to sacrifice their lives but also willing to sacrifice time with their families. I can’t even imagine what it is like to leave everything behind to fight a battle that is not your own.  But also today, I’m thankful for the families left behind. I see your tired eyes. I see the sadness behind your smiles. I see the fear and the strength with which you carry about your life!  I see you. I SEE YOU! And today, I want you to know that I appreciate your service too!