Author: Cinderella Squad

Right before our world shut down in March, John and I took a quick weekend trip to Charleston to see Grace for parent’s weekend at the College of Charleston.  It was the first time John and I had gotten to travel with just the two of us since our honeymoon. I looked forward to a little time away and was so excited to get to stay ON the beach so I could drink my coffee in the morning and watch the sunrise. It was only a short trip so we didn’t have much time, but I had plans to fill it up with ALL the touristy things!!  But first, I would drink my coffee and watch the sun rise!

The very first night we got there, we picked Grace up for dinner.  She looked comfortable in her own skin with no makeup (something I rarely ever felt comfortable enough to do- even now!) and it was so very good to see her. She looked happy.

 She stayed at school the first night because she had a test the next day so we drove back to the condo on Folly Beach. The next morning, I woke up in plenty of time to get my coffee  made and tip toe outside for the big event.  I quickly tip toed BACK inside to grab blankets so that I didn’t get frostbite. The temperatures were right around freezing and with the wind coming off of the ocean, it felt even colder! Even the cold couldn’t squander my excitement.

So many thoughts were swirling around in my head as I watched the sun peek out over the waters. Here are just a few…

-Thank you, God!  Thank you for this amazing artwork You have created with mediums that can’t even be held in human hands. Thank you for the colors! Thank you for the warmth the sunshine brings. Thank you for the steadiness of it! Thank you for the rhythms of the tides and for performing this exact same feat (all very different yet still the same) every single day since You spoke our world into being! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

-How can anyone look at this view and not believe that there is a God? How anyone could think that all of this beauty was some sort of accident is beyond my comprehension. 

-How crazy is it to think that the very God who created all of this is my Father, my Friend and He loves me!  Like, HE REALLY LOVES ME! He created this masterpiece and yet, He loves ME! Unconditionally, HE LOVES ME and CARES for me! Who am I that He would be mindful of me? 

-There is so much sand!  And yet God knows exactly how many grains of sand there are! He also knows how many hairs are in my thick head of hair. He knows, because He made me and cares for me! What a wonderful thought.

-There were surprisingly more people watching the sunrise than I expected. Isn’t it funny how I take the sunrise for granted when I’m at home? Why do I do that? When watching the beauty of this sunrise, how could I ever take this for granted?

-I had to sit sideways on the chair on the balcony. When John came outside, he thought it was funny that I was sitting like that. I just wanted to face the sun.  When I looked down at the beach, we were ALL facing the exact same direction. There was just something special about that.  We were all united and looking toward the same direction in anticipation of the same event. We were all doing the same thing while so many others were still asleep in their beds and missing the entire beautiful, ordinary portion of the day. How many people were in close proximity who missed it all? Yet, there was just something special about the handful of us who were anxiously awaiting the sun to rise even through tired eyes, red, cold noses and shivering bodies.  I couldn’t help but draw a parallel in some small way to the way we as Christians are awaiting the Son to return. Through tired eyes, still swollen from sleep but with hopeful anticipation of the glory and beauty that is to come. Will we all be looking and watching in the same direction on that great day too?

-And then, I thought it funny that we were all anxiously awaiting to see something that we couldn’t even look at directly. It reminded me of Exodus 33 when Moses asked to see God’s glory.  He couldn’t see it directly. He only saw God’s back.  God had to cover Moses with His hand.  And yet after seeing Him, Moses’s face glowed.  As a matter of fact, it glowed so much so that Moses had to wear a veil when he was around the children of Israel. I believe the sun is only a small candle compared to the Glory of God! Oh what a day that will be when we get to see our Lord and Savior face to face! Will we be able to see Him or will He have to cover our eyes? Will we glow?

I hope that the next time you see the sunrise, you will just a moment to worship the God in Heaven that created that very sun.  And may we all be anxiously awaiting the great SON rise that is to come! 

Today is Veterans Day.  People all over social media are posting pictures of their favorite veterans.  Some of those people are spouses, parents, or children.  I decided to post a picture from John’s homecoming when he and Grace were embracing for the first time in a year. As I sat looking through those photos, trying to decide which picture to post, I could still feel the excitement, the anxiety, the anticipation, and even the loss.

When Bella Kate was only 6 months old, John left for a year long deployment. Though I know that it was a hard year for him just as it is hard for so many others service men and women who leave their families to risk their lives and sacrifice so much for our freedom, I can only speak from my point of view as the spouse left behind. 

When John deployed, I was still a relatively new step-mom and a VERY new mommy. Postpartum was an issue and I was very much in denial. Looking back, so much of that time is a big blur, but there are definitely things that stick out for me.

I remember the sheer terror, of being alone and having to take care of a little baby by myself (after all, they don’t come with owners manuals, ya know!) and if I’m honest, part of that fear was of not knowing if this would be a permanent arrangement.  Would he be one of the unlucky ones who never made it home? Or will he be the same when he comes home? What happens if someone breaks into our home? What happens if I have a wreck or a flat tire? What happens if Bella Kate gets sick in the night and I don’t know what to do? It was the fear of the unknown. The fear of not only what he might face while there, but what I might face here without him.

I remember all the “firsts” with Bella Kate and the nagging guilt that went along with being the one who got to experience it all.  Like the first time she stood, the first time she walked, the first time she said Momma on purpose and of course, I remember her first birthday. I can still feel her in my arms as I rocked her to sleep the night before her first birthday thinking back on the day of her birth… and I cried.. a big ugly cry. The tears were sad and lonely with a little guilt and bitterness mixed in for good measure. I was just disappointed that John couldn’t be there for the festivities, and a part of me felt guilty for having any fun without him.

I remember the insecurities.  Is John being faithful? Am I being a good wife? Am I being a good mom? Am I doing this right? Am I messing up? Am I enough? So. many. insecurities! 

I remember some of the comments made, both good and bad. The things said out of ignorance and the things said out of love. The problem was that people didn’t understand enough to know that they didn’t understand, and that was a very lonely and isolating feeling. When people would try to compare their husband who travels for work occasionally to a year long deployment, as crazy as it sounds, it hurt. I finally had to realize that people truly mean well and they can’t help that they don’t know what they don’t know. I also had to remind myself that I too have most likely been guilty of saying things in ignorance that somehow belittled someone else’s pain. I had to learn that people are doing the best they can with what they have been given and with the information they have at the time. You don’t know until you know.

The year was simultaneously the longest and shortest year of my life. When I looked back on particular days (and many of the nights) time seemed to stand still, yet when I looked back at just how much my little baby had grown in such a relatively short period of time, it was all just happening way too fast, and John was missing it!  The problem for me was that in the areas I wanted time to speed up, it slowed to a snail’s pace and in the areas I wanted time to slow down, it was as though the fast forward button was stuck down into the remote of life.

I spent a lot of time on the road to my parents’ farm. I can still remember having to pull over several times each way to calm a screaming little baby. (I finally got the time between each exit down to a science!) I can remember the long nights of praying for sleep to come and I still remember the very first cup of coffee I ever drank. That was a particularly long and exhausting night. Thankfully, my brother was my first patient the following morning so I was able to get out some of those coffee jitters before I had to clean anyone else’s teeth. My brother was a good sport.

I remember the dinners I had with friends who loved me and who thought to include me in their day to day life. I remember relishing in the noise and the normalcy of their world before going home to house that was just a little too dark and a little too quiet for comfort. I remember the swing set that was built by friends for Bella Kate’s birthday. I remember the Tuesday visits with Grace that seemed to go by entirely too quickly. And, I remember my neighbor who loved on me and was there with me for so much!

I remember the cards that were sent, one in particular was from a lady I had never met but her kindness will forever be etched into my memory.  It was on a particularly rough week and God used her to bless me. The card let me know that she had known John growing up and she just wanted me to know that she was “thinking of me and praying for me.”  She included a target gift card with instructions to go spend it on something for me. It was simple and to the point and she may not have thought much of it at all, but I cried. I pray that God will bless her a million times over for showing me such love and kindness! 

But the thing I remember most of all is the way my friends and family wrapped me up in love.  Yes, many of the day to day things went back to the way they always had been and people quickly forgot about me as they went about their busy lives and that’s ok. I too, have been guilty of getting wrapped up in my own world and forgetting to look around me. It happens and it’s natural. But there were those friends who checked on me, fed me, took care of Bella Kate for me, loved me and prayed for me. And for those people, I will NEVER forget your kindness. Thank you!  

John came home right before Christmas that year and I took a few weeks off of work to spend some quality time with him.  Those days were strange and wonderful. He had to figure out his place in our home once again and I had to figure out how to let him back in. Bella Kate wanted nothing to do with him for 2 full weeks.  It broke my heart and I can only imagine his as well, though he would never admit it.  She had never known daddy to be anything more than the person she talked to in the phone. He was much bigger and louder in person. Thankfully, we soon found our new routine and life went back to the way it was before. 

I have no idea where he was during that year. I don’t know what he did. I still don’t know so many things about his time there and I had to learn to be ok with that. In reality though, that went both ways. He didn’t know what we had been through either. I learned very quickly how to paint a smile on and hide the anxiety in my voice. We were told to not give our soldiers anything to worry about from home, so I did my very best to follow the rules.  I guess we both kept those things private from each other.

When I think back on that year I have a very vivid visual image of myself. It was me, walking forward, mid stride, slightly bent forward at the waist, Bella Kate on my hip, with my left arm covering my face just low enough for my eyes to see straight ahead over the point of my elbow. In my mind, I wouldn’t allow myself to look side to side only forward. I wouldn’t allow myself to stop and rest because I was so afraid I wouldn’t be able to get back up and start again. I wouldn’t let myself cry because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to stop. I did what I had to do to get through. I can imagine John’s year was much the same with maybe a little more violence. 

I learned a lot that year.  I learned that I can do a lot more than I thought I could. I learned how to give myself a little grace and learn form my mistakes. I learned that small kindnesses are the best. I learned that I have some of the best friends in the world. I learned that God will put the right people in the right places at the right time to help you through whatever you are going through. But the best lesson I learned was that God won’t let you go through anything for nothing. It’s funny how some of our greatest life lessons come from our darkest days. For me, that year was full of lessons and quite frankly, some of those lessons felt like sandpaper. But just as sandpaper makes the wood smooth, so those lessons helped me to mold me and make me into the person I am and hopefully a little closer to the me that God has called for me to be.

So today, as we celebrate Veteran’s day, I am so very thankful for the men and women who have sacrificed so much for our freedoms. I am thankful that they were willing not only to sacrifice their lives but also willing to sacrifice time with their families. I can’t even imagine what it is like to leave everything behind to fight a battle that is not your own.  But also today, I’m thankful for the families left behind. I see your tired eyes. I see the sadness behind your smiles. I see the fear and the strength with which you carry about your life!  I see you. I SEE YOU! And today, I want you to know that I appreciate your service too! 

Back before the world fell apart, toward the end of 2019, Bella Kate told me, in her smug little first grade voice, “I learn a lot of stuff from listening to you when you don’t think I’m paying attention!” I chuckled to myself and thought, “Thanks for the reminder, kid!” She was very proud of herself for figuring that out! And I would be lying if I said it didn’t cause me to hesitate for a second!

Fast forward to March of 2020. We were in the very beginning phases of COVID-19. Toilet paper and hand sanitizer seemed to be only found on the black market. (Side note, we literally dropped 2 brand new rolls of toilet paper into the toilet within the short time span of 2 days- TWO days, you guys! HOW DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN? And John was one of the droppers!) People were hoarding groceries as if their lives depended on it so the grocery store shelves were bare. All the schools were closed and people were sent home from work because EVERYONE (minus those whose jobs were deemed “essential”) was told to go home and hunker down. So that is what we did! This was also the first time in my life I had ever heard the term “social distancing.” It was scary. It was unfamiliar. There were and still are just so many unknowns. But this was basically when our world, as we knew it, changed.

At our house, we embraced the time of slowing down. I was furloughed from my dental hygiene job and with John having recently retired from the military, he was still in between jobs as well. So we did what we could to find joy in the everyday things. We took the girls fishing. We made art projects. We tried to “homeschool” as best we could. And though there were some fun things happening, it was also a time of high anxiety. Every phone call we received and every person we passed in the neighborhood only had one thing to talk about, “How crazy things were!”

Never in our lifetime had we had to literally think about being able to get food. Never in our lifetime had our society as a whole been told to go home and stay home. Some people were enjoying the unexpected time off while others were feeling very overwhelmed with the demands of working from home while also having to care for and try to educate their children at the same time. A common phrase that was being shared was that “We are all in the same boat”, though I disagreed. We were all in deep waters for sure, but many were living quite comfortably in their yachts while others were clinging to life rafts. Everyone had to deal with the new world in their own way and with what they had.

One night in those very early days, I tucked both girls into bed. I immediately started getting ready for bed myself. I had no sooner covered up with the blanket when Bella Kate came to my bedside with big crocodile sized tears in her eyes and said, “Mommy, I’m afraid.” Thinking that she was going to tell me that she was afraid of a monster or something along those lines, I waited a beat or two before saying, “What are you afraid of?” She said, “I’m afraid we are going to run out of food!” And with those words my heart broke into a million pieces as I remembered her words only a few months before. She had in fact been listening as I talked to friends and neighbors about stores being out of the basic necessities and how crazy the world had so quickly become.

She climbed into bed beside me and I reminded her of the times in the Bible where God took care of His people in REALLY big ways. We talked about the parting of the Red Sea. We talked about the calming of the storm in which Carly told a VERY interesting version. (I only wish I had it on video because she stood up on the bed and acted out how the boat was tossed to and fro and how Jesus told the storm to stop and the waves listened. Somewhere during the storm a cat got on the boat with Jesus! I can’t say I had ever heard that particular version of things! Ha!) We talked about Jesus raising people from the dead. Bella Kate told the story of Jesus feeding the 5000 and how they started with only 5 loaves of bread and 2 small fish and yet all 5,000 were filled and there were 12 baskets of left overs! And then we read the verse in the Luke about how God takes care of the lilies in the field, and we discussed how much MORE important we are than them! By the time she got out of our bed to go back to her own, she was smiling. And I have to admit, my heart felt a little lighter as well!

That night, I was reminded of 2 things…

1. My girls are indeed watching me. The are hearing the side comments. They are seeing the looks of worry, concern, delight and also annoyance. They are watching how I respond to the stress I feel. They are watching me to see how I handle anxiety. They are watching to see if I am afraid which will let them know if they themselves should be afraid. They see (and learn a lot) even when I don’t think they are watching. I need to be careful how I respond to what is going on around me whether that be good or bad.
2. I needed those reminders of God’s faithfulness and love as much as they did! I too needed to be reminded of all the miraculous ways God has provided for His people in the past. And you know what? God is still ALIVE and WELL today. He is still in the business of caring for and healing His creation. And THAT is a pretty great thing to remember!!

As you are going about your business today, may you also consider the lilies of the field. They do not work or make their own clothing and yet even Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as one of these! How much more will God take care of you?

One of the last times I went to visit my grandmother, “MaMa” as we all called her, and THE last time for it to be just the two of us where we could actually have a heart to heart, I asked her, What is the secret to a long and happy life?”  Here is what she said. “Live Clean. Do right. Go to church. Love people.”  Then she looked at me very seriously and said, “You know, you can do a lot more than you think you can. Sometimes you just have to make do.”  The first few suggestions didn’t surprise me, but the last part gave me a big lump in my throat. 

I started thinking back over her life and the ordinary, yet extraordinary life that she lived.  Growing up in South Tunnel, just south of Gallatin, TN, with all of those brothers and sisters, she often told me that they “didn’t have much of anything but they didn’t know it because they had love and that was all that mattered.” She learned from a very early age that she could do more than she thought she could and she made do with what she had. 

She and my PaPa, fell in love only to be separated for 2 years because of the war. Having my own husband be deployed for a year, I think I have a taste of what that was like- the fear, the worry, the sleepless nights,  but not really. Communication was scarce for her.  I cannot imagine writing to him and not knowing if/when those letters would be received or returned. I remember the frustration of FaceTiming with John and the delay.  That delay would make conversations jumbled and not at all smooth.  I imagine this would have been that frustration times infinity. But she could do more than she thought she could and she made do with what she had. 

MaMa and PaPa got married and lived a simple and happy life.  She had 4 beautiful children and was a great mother.  They say that a person should never have to bury their own child, but MaMa did.  Dianne was only 17 years old when she died of a brain aneurism. MaMa would tell me about Dianne from time to time since I was named after her.  I wish I could have had the chance to meet her. Since becoming a mom myself, there have been times when I have thought that if God forbid something happen to one of my own children, they would have to bury me with them. But somehow MaMa was able to do more than she thought she could and she made do with what she had.

I was so blessed that I was able to know and love both MaMa and PaPa throughout my childhood and into adulthood.  They lived only 25 minutes away and so I was able to visit often.  We went to dinner at their house pretty much every other Saturday night all throughout my childhood. I wish I had a penny for every homemade biscuit she made or for every hamburger PaPa grilled. I’m not sure if there was some secret recipe or if the secret ingredient was simply love. She just always seemed to have a plate full of biscuits, a warm hug, and a kind smile for every visit.  She was always doing things for other people and I was able to watch her and see the kind of woman I strive to be. From driving people to church, to visiting and taking meals to the sick, her hands were always busy and she did so much good for so many people. She did more than she thought she could and she made do with what she had. 

When PaPa got sick, I wasn’t sure MaMa would be able to make it alone.  Apparently I forgot the strength that she had through so many times.  But PaPa was her rock. They took care of each other.  I just didn’t know how she would ever be able to do it alone. I would go to visit her and she would tell me that it “sure did get lonely.”  I still remember talking to her about moving into an assisted living facility so she wouldn’t be so lonely.  I will never forget when she told me that she might just do that and soon she was moved into her apartment and she seemed happy there.  I know that it was not her home. I know that it was not what she would have chosen had she had the choice, but in true MaMa form, she could do more than she thought she could do and she made do with what she had.

As her health declined over the last several years, I never once visited her when I wasn’t greeted with her beautiful smile.  She may not have always known my name, but she always smiled and looked at me lovingly.  On the visits when I could tell she didn’t remember me, there were always moments when she would look at me and I KNEW she remembered because the deeper look of  love in her eyes would shine through.  She would look at me and say “Are you one of mine?” And I would say, “Yes, ma’am!” And she would say “I thought you were” and would grin at me even more. In the last few days before her death, even after she stopped talking, the nurse told us that she wouldn’t say a word but would just smile when they walked in.  Even at the end, she could do more than she thought she could do and made do with what she had.

Fred Rogers is quoted as saying, “The real issue in life is not how many blessings we have, but what we do with our blessings. Some people have many blessings and hoard them. Some have few and give everything away!” I think MaMa did more with those blessing than she ever thought she could do and she made the MOST of what she had. 

I can’t wait to see her smile again one day.  I know there was a great reunion in heaven as she went to be with PaPa, Dianne, her mom and dad, her brothers and sisters and so many people who have gone on before her. I can imagine it’s quite the reunion and there is this little part of me that can even imagine God looking into her smiling face and saying, “You are one of mine, aren’t you?” 

Each night right before we tuck the girls into bed, we all hold hands and go around in a circle and pray.  The girls have to take turns each night as to who gets to start it and who ends it. We hold hands and whoever starts the prayer will then squeeze the hand of the person they want to go next until it comes to the last person who will finish out the prayer with an “amen.” Sometimes the prayers are very short and John and/or I say a majority of it, while other nights, the girls thank God for everything from the sunshine that morning to the fan in their bedrooms at night. Some nights I laugh at the things they say and I can imagine God smiling too because let’s face it… kids are funny and brutally honest- even during their prayers. 

Over the course of the years the girls’ prayers have changed and evolved, but there is one thing that has stuck out to me for a while.  When I say my prayers, I thank God for things He has already given me and then ask Him for things that I want or need.  Bella Kate has followed suit. She thanks God and then asks God.  Carly on the other hand never asks God for anything.  She skips that part and goes right to the “thank you.”  So basically, rather than asking God to take the Coronavirus away, she thanks God for taking it away.  Rather than asking God to help someone feel better.  She thanks God for helping them feel better. Rather than asking God to let us go do something fun the next day, she thanks God for letting us go do something fun the next day.  If you’re not paying attention, you could totally miss it.   After all, she is only 5 and so you might think that she just doesn’t have the wording quite right. Though they essentially are asking of God the same thing, by thanking Him, she is demonstrating that she believes He is already at work doing what she has asked of Him. 

Now, you could argue that she is clueless and that she doesn’t even understand what she’s saying. I mean, like I said, she’s only 5. Yet when I tried this in my own prayer life, it has a COMPLETELY different feel to it.  Where normally there is anxiety in the asking, there is peace.  It’s like an acknowledgement that I already KNOW God is working on my behalf. Maybe this is what God meant when God told us to “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication WITH THANKSGIVING let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” I thought I understood that verse and often pray for this special peace for friends and family who are going through hard times, but it turns out maybe I needed my little girl to demonstrate it for me to truly understand that verse for myself. 

Maybe, just maybe this is another reason why God said that we are to become like little children. When we go before the Lord in prayer and ask Him for anything, we need to ask with BOLDNESS and believe that He is GOOD and is already working to answer that prayer before it is even uttered! Yes, we need to ask that HIS will be done, after all that is what we really want anyway, but maybe thanking God for the things we are asking God for is a great way to start building a life of faith and a life of peace.  After all, He knows the plans He has for us, plans for hope and a future, and I’m so very thankful for that!